A sleep that shouldn't have been waited for

Warm, cosy, rosey bed, cute, comfy, cotton sleepsuit, hugging your pillow,curled up like a small baby, that may be the story of a satiating sleep, this isn't. This is about being knocked up by "the unpleasant emotional state consisting of psychological and psychophysiological responses to a real external threat or danger" or in other words, FEAR.

It was the warm night of an unreasonably continuing winter. An echo of the chirp of a distant bird pierced through the silence of the night. I had slept through the day and my head felt heavy. I opened the door to look for anybody I could find awake in the hostel but their voices-loud, cheery, playful, expressive of the regular chirpy mood turned away my steps back to my room. Lights were off and my roommate fast asleep. I got into my bed, closed my eyes and tried to sleep. After 15 minutes, world felt the same: no sign of sleep. I checked my phone for messages. There was none. I texted my bff sensing that I really needed to talk to someone. Wifi connection was lost. This night wasn't going to be smooth. I plugged in my headphones and listened to some good music for a while but contrary to the expected, it diminished even the slightest possibility of sleep. Downhearted, I locked my phone and slid it under my pillow.



After a while I switched to my laptop with the intention of watching some random sitcom. After about half an hour, my eyes may have shut down but the voices from the sitcom woke me up. I hibernated it, and with a momentary joy that sleep had finally knocked up, I closed my eyes.
After a minute or so a voice interrupted whatever sleep I had grabbed hold of. I had shut the flap and placed the laptop next to my pillow. Everything was the same only the flap was open now and the sitcom was playing on it! I sensed I was in trouble and in half sleep I closed my eyes thinking that the nightmare will wear away with the sleep. But after a while another sound woke me up. This time a song played on the phone I had slid under the pillow. I thought of taking it out and pausing it thinking that I may have forgotten to close the music player app when I dozed off. But my hand couldn't move. It was frozen! And someway my inner conscience had the feeling that this paralytic attack that I had experienced before in my dreams was happening again. Only this time I knew I wasn't dreaming. I had a notion that my body wouldn't move but I still struggled into moving it. My head was still, facing the left side towards the laptop that was now closed. I tried moving my head with the help of my hands but to no avail. I couldn't move my legs too. It was like some unnatural force that had gripped my body to the bed and the fear of what might happen next made me try to scream. Yes, try to scream because I couldn't hear my own voice. It was like my mouth was glued and no word could possibly be uttered. I tried calling my roommate or making any possible sound that the uncanny paralysis would allow me to but nothing worked. The fear was consuming me. The night that had just been about the wait for sleep had turned into a horrific demon I wanted to run away from. All my existence and space in the world was about to be erased away because of this unknown force that was drowning me inside this diabolic sleep.

I sensed the vibration of my phone. I realized that wifi was finally connected and my friend would have replied me back. I had a strong urge to jump out from the demarcation line between the real and unreal to the real world where I could now wait indefinitely for sleep rather than being consumed by this evil force. After a few seconds of the unrestrained torture, I finally felt something evaporate away from me. A sudden feeling of being dumped back into the real world because of being terrified like a puppy. I bounced back and left my bed as fast as I could. It was dark and scary. My roommate was asleep and looking at her for a while I realized that I was back and that everything was back to normal.

I walked in the corridor, distraught and aghast, thinking of whatever happened with me in the last few minutes. I looked at the sky through the window, seeking an unsaid blessing and tried moving my hands and legs frequently trying to get it engraved in my belief that I was back. My bff laughed it off saying it was sleep paralysis and very common but for me it was my brain's own way of reminding me to stay thankful for being alive and healthy and appreciating every moment of life before an endless sleep consumes me.

MIRROR SIZED LIFE

The world is but an elaborate reflection of one’s own ideas and perceptions that keeps us going. It’s a mirror we all live in, glancing at ourselves head to toe, reveling in our triumphs, lamenting over our shortcomings and stupefying at the other bewildering reflections of the capabilities we never knew existed in us. Each day is another page written by the quill of destiny, with each noun conducive to another incipient chapter budding in our lives and verbs made of wistful projections of the desires buried in the deep attics of our hearts that we inexorably seek to accomplish every day. Every moment is the inception of an idea, a desire, maybe a whim or a feeble dream about a reflection we always wanted to see in that mirror. Interestingly the mirror neither shows ‘that’ reflection nor the way to become it, but plants the infinitesimal seeds that keep on germinating with each new page that is scribbled in our lives.

 Mirror is intriguing. You know it’s you in there, right? Try to look in the mirror for 10 minutes straight in dim light and you may start doubting yourself. If you doubt yourself, you won’t stop looking and if you keep looking, you won’t stop doubting. You may break it into pieces but you’d still look back into them for once.

It’s an innate desire, an obsession with the identity if not a fear of others’ perceptions about it to keep ourselves from drowning in oblivion and a constant reminder of the package we came in.

Human race has for long been intimidated by the questions: Where do we come from? Where are we going? What lies beyond? Are we alone? And there are various plausible answers to them with no absolute proof but a belief. The doubt drowns you a fathom more but a belief no matter right or wrong raises you above. That is another belief.

So no answer or belief can be absolutely denied. There might be others out there, residents of some distant planet or a world that exists parallel to ours that is omnipresent but invisible, yearning for a slight doubt to come into existence just like a mirror which always shows the reflection but man is too absorbed in his world to keep looking into it to find something beyond his belief, to know if it’s his world out there or his reflection’s or to touch it and make a slight stir much like the concentric ridges made by throwing a pebble in  water which does it’s work irrespective of the volume of water. But if truly man were just one touch away from that world, it would have been a rage on either side of the mirror to know each other and most of all to tell each other apart. It can break; it can tarnish but the mirror stands unfazed asking you in the face, “For how long will you face your face to face the reality?”

Kidding,falling,kidding!!

Since times immemorial love has been contemplated as a very mysterious entity that was ever born and has eversince been living its ubiquitous immortal existence. Its the only lesson that we learn at school without being taught,the only air that we can die for breathing in and the only pain that isn't inflicted by any weapon.Love lifts us all.It's the only meaning of life.Love dooms us all.It's the sweetest killer.And the most annihilating disaster strikes on those who think of it as the biggest joke.KIDDING!

Turns out that whatever we preach to the world isn't as intimate with us as what we want to be preached is.We're drenched in love,we emit love and all we keep thinking is that love is yet to knock while we are already basking in it.Such is the magic of love that resuscitates the most reticent ones and silences the most belligerent ones with a swing of the wand.FALLING!

We're nurtured with love and it's very symbol pumps its elixir in our souls.It's the only innate quality we're born with and the last one to be stripped away when we breathe our last.World remains the same,a different mirror for a different identity just sans the love's essence that kept us alive.The biggest paradox takes it's shape,we end at the beginning and love continues to be the mystery that mocks us in the face and lures us into believing and living.KIDDING!!

No regrets,just love!

The first step into adolescence is all about falling in love.Yes.All the other better parts of it that cbse books stress about only step in the latter half.By then most of us already start floating in the bliss that the feeling superficially called as "infatuation" gives us.The first eye contact,the first brush with his hands,the first meeting,the first song that reminded of him,the first compliment and a series of other 'firsts' get embedded deep into our bosoms.Then after a few years when all of them get almost eroded by waves of college, new friends,  works and responsibilities,the ghosts start hovering around all over again.We text them only to find them happy and blessed in their own lives and wonder if there is a need at all to tell them that we still need them.We tell about them to our friends but at a point of time while they continue with their mockery we realize what we did and what we should have done.The "shoulds" obviously have been designed only to keep the regrets alive and sometimes these regrets bring back lot of people together.
She called me up at 3am and as they say such hours are only meant for nerds,lovers,alcoholics and engineers(no doubt!),I understood it must be something either serious or stupid.Insanity was pounding in her talks but only after a while could I draw out sense from them.When someone tells us that they miss somebody,its very easy to say "call him\her then" but we never really understand the reason unless we face it ourselves.Some places hold a special importance than others because we have been there before.And perhaps all we need is the same company to cherish the moments spent there.
She was crying.It had disturbed the serenity that otherwise surrounded her.I could barely console her that time and after two days it happened again with her."The practical problems are rather easy to deal with",I thought to myself.She was a bright student particularly in Maths and 4 years back he had stepped in her life and changed her world completely.Exams back then were all about mugging up and he made her realize that the brilliant results and grades she used to chase would only give her the momentary pride that'd mean nothing in the future.He honed her talents and showed her that chasing a dream could give her way more happiness than materialistic awards.He helped her when she stood at crossroads to decide if she wanted to follow her desires or her parents' dreams.With time he had become an indispensable part of her life.It was the school's farewell party at a mall in the city where this part of her life parted ways with her.I couldn't find out whether it was some small differences over something or some big matter they didn't want to disclose to anybody but it left her devastated.She healed with time pursuing her interest in Maths but upon a recent visit to the same mall the glass around her broke and rendered her on the same crossroads.The best solution anyway to such problems is making a contact rather than running away from the ghosts of past which is what suggested her and coincidentally they decided to meet at the same mall where they had parted ways.

The next day she called me up to tell me all about it."So are you guys together?",I asked."No.Because only after meeting him I realized that I should have understood his concern about me.He wanted to be with me ,not as a distraction but a motivation and perhaps I couldn't understand it that time.",she said."Perhaps you shouldn't have let him go",I said."Aren't the shoulds designed to keep the regrets alive and bring back people together?"she said in her classic serenity.


"IF YOU MISS THEM,TELL THEM TODAY"

When mom said O.K. :)

The end term examinations had taken a toll on me and by the end I was drained out completely.The busy schedule ahead was inevitable.There was no time to go on a vacation anywhere and relax.I came home after the last exam feeling like some great warrior who won the battle of who knows what.At times like these no matter how much you want to talk to your mother or cuddle her,you have to wish that she stays on her toes to cook up some delicious meal for you.Few days passed and my tongue got bored with the regular food.Monotonous pulses and weird vegetables would grin at me shamelessly from the plate and the sight of pizza or some awesome food joints would allure me.Soon I started despising the food in front of mom and the obvious replies started:"Why don't you learn to cook?You're a grown up and you should help me with the household chores rather than despising the food."The more she'd see me watching television or scrolling the phone messages vaguely,the more frequent would be the out-pour of taunts.And the more you get the scorns for something you intend to do sometime in the future,the more the zeal to do it dwindles.And it had diminished within me by the end of holidays and I became a stern believer that the mistake was mom's.Then the one day arrived that she had labelled as 'raksha bandhan' on the calender.Mom said that she was to go to her brother's for a week and I and dad had to look after the home and ourselves.After a brief pause all I could say was 'O.K.'. Some legendary people invented some legendary words like O.K. to sum up the agonies that people like me in the future were to deal with.So mom went away and the same day dad's guests arrived and I was blown off completely.I desperately wanted them to leave soon.I made tea and stepped in like some bride-to-be with a tray and dad started introducing me to them.I stood poised smiling like an idiot and waiting for them to gesture that they are going to leave.But they kept on chattering and my dad couldn't help asking them to stay for dinner.Formalities,they only arrive when they're least required.I felt like the hell breaking loose on me.I was deft with the tea and snacks but I didn't know how to cook!Suddenly the phone rang on the kitchen slab.It was mom.Before I could utter anything she said,"The food is stored in the refrigerator and you just have to make chapatis.It is your responsibility today.Do it well."I beamed with happiness much like the kitchen's tube-light and did as she said to save the day.In the days that followed I realized how every bit of the house needed to be taken care of.I couldn't find much time to sit idle or sink into negative thoughts(which I had otherwise become accustomed to ever since the holidays began) and it somewhere resurrected the zeal to cook in me.I'd browse for simple recipes only to end up with a dozen of complex ones and it was then that I realized that in a bid to solve the complexities of life,the world had rather stopped paying heed to the simpler issues.We have so many friends and strangers to care about these days that we simply forget our duties and responsibilities and most importantly love towards our parents. The work along with studies gave me enough stress to get sleep soon as I'd lie down rather than wasting time waiting for the sleep to take me in its arms.Sometimes it frustrated me and dad when we'd look at the number of things in need of our attention but it only made me love my mother even more realizing that she single-handedly used to handle everything without complains.Soon the day came when mom was to return.I cooked the lunch myself with as much precision as I could use to make it perfect for mom.She came and settled for a while.Then she went to the kitchen to cook something thinking that maybe I and dad were hungry but found out that the supper was ready.She tasted it and then she hugged me.She had tears in her eyes and so did I.After all no family moment is complete without someone getting emotional.I apologized to her for my ignorance and disdain towards the household works.She smiled and after a brief pause she said,"O.K."



"LOVE YOU MOM :)"

Angels and idiots! :p

It was raining.I slipped my bag in the scan section and went to the frisking section.Cool winds blew past my hair.I picked my bag and started to climb the stairs to 'towards Noida City Centre' platform.The train was to arrive in 3 minutes.I looked down at the road from the platform.The nature's green had perfectly blended into an otherwise busy city.At a bus stop,grinning with every brush with the pleasant weather ,was my friend.Tall,fair and green eyed.He put a register over his head in a feeble attempt to keep himself from getting wet in rain.Then all of a sudden he looked up.It was quite a distance.I couldn't know if he was able to see me from down there.Suddenly my phone beeped.It was a message from him saying,"Heroine!What are you waiting for?Prince charming to fly from heaven to you?!Go before I start screaming your nickname :p."It brought a smile to my face.I closed my eyes and said to myself "College life is about to come to an end but this is the friendship I wanna keep till the end of my life."
We enter the college life like naives ,innocents  and ready to follow every hand of friendship that is extended to us.The first day with completely new creatures to start with,share the lunch with and little laughs with seems so picture perfect but by the end of college life, every face is unveiled including our own.The group that looked so like a family in the second year turns out to be the web that we start escaping from,the strangers paradise where everybody has problems with everybody.No college life includes just happy moments.Perhaps if it did,it'd rather turn out be dull.Every moment defines who we are and who our friends and foes are.You may have been absurd concepts to each other in the beginning but by the end of it all you know this girl/guy is the God's angel to you who'll forever stay with you in your heart as your best friend.And its not the pretty face love or cupid love,its probably the love that no one on this planet can define,the warmth that no other soul can provide and the stupid giggles that no one else can share.
You may have suffered the wrath of the most monstrous teacher,got suspended for daring to pee in front of the warden's door just to win a bet or been betrayed by the person you loved with all your heart,but the moment of sharing it with this buddy is all you'll cherish throughout the days after college.He knows what annoys you the most and he'd very intelligently bring it out when you have your worst moments only to deviate you from whatever is bothering you.You may have hidden your deepest secret just so that you don't sound stupid before your classy friends but this is the buddy who'd utter the same story and make you say "I thought it only happened with me!."
The best friend is not the one who'll suggest you the perfect solution.He won't solve your problem because its yours and perhaps then he'd be genius,something that just describes his brain.He'd make you believe that the world is still the one you lived in before the problem occurred. He'd make you habitual of living without its fear and you'd see the problem diminish on its own. The  college life may be the hell you are desperate to break out of  but its worth a thanks if it blesses you with such great friendships to last forever.

The thoughts were brimming in my mind.The metro arrived.I entered."Got to reach home and start studying for the test tomorrow"I said to myself and suddenly it occurred to me that my notes were missing.I rushed out of the train and the doors closed missing me by a fraction of a second.It was a close shave.I looked down at the tall,green eyed stupid and screamed."Gimme my register.Idiot.!!"

The result wave

The good,better and best never looked so distinctly categorized.Only few weeks ago everything seemed so calm as sea, anxiously contented,but now as the huge result wave swept away all that pleasant scenario ,the exam result is all we are left with as our ID cards.No matter how hard we try, we cant refrain from asking each other this notorious question on d-day that "hey,how was your result?"As if that could change our own result but as a matter of fact it does,metaphorically,for better or for worse.There are the nth time toppers,the unexpected outshiners,the parents' prides,the whiners,backloggers and other groups that everyone labels at the back of their minds.Yeah,no one wants to console an evergreen lamenter or congratulate the one who they left far behind in the previous result but in turn scored better this time.The day that started with a usual morning,got halted by an unusual event,resumed by some condolences and congratulations always ends up with some resolutions that we make to ourselves.Next sem is my battlefield,I'd work as hard as possible next time etc are some promises that get scribbled in personal diaries.And facebook ofcourse gets flooded with status updates as if each pixel of the digits making up that result contained a 24*7 dedication and utter devotion and toil since the beginning of the sem. Undoubtedly some expectations break,bonds crack,rivalries become worse and feathers get added but its time we should finally ponder upon some vital thoughts that often dissolve in oblivion as the times passes by.Are we still continuing the cliché of chasing only the sensationalized? Are we still stuck in the rat race?Have those pixels making up the result actually obstructed the way for innovation?Food for thought!!